Hallucinations, a reaction to medication or my mind?
Technorati Tags: hallucination, mental illness, medication
Am I hallucinating from the bipolar medication I am on, or am I just hallucinating? This is the question I asked myself as I observed the soda drop from the machine. In a typical office morning ritual, I was getting my caffeine buzz to wake up from the effects of the Seroquel that knocks me out at night. As I pushed the button, it was a slow motion flash that went through my mind. The soda can appeared almost surreal, and my thought were of the 1700’s and 1800’s. Would people of that era be amazed at a feat like this? Simply inserting a piece of paper into a mechanism, which results in a good being produced. Think of what people of that time had to do to get a simple good? Most products were made at home, with far more exertion and effort on part of the consumer. I bet in their wildest dreams, they would have never thought this possible. Let alone operating a machine to download “Amateur Anal Attempts 8″, in order to fulfill a sick and twisted fantasy in the midnight hours. It was a trance that I was thrown into, and all of these thoughts ran though my head in the matter of seconds. As I walked away from the soda machine, I thought of how odd the experience was.Now it is 6:00 pm, and I’m waiting for my sub to be made at Wawa. It’s taking forever, and the pimply faced teenagers are behind the counter rushing to make order #13 (how unlucky, ironically it gave me indigestion too). I snapped into a trance, and just pictured the teenagers and what they were really about. Full of germs, leaning over the macaroni and sliced meat. The 17 year old kid whose face looked like it was attacked by an electric sander was particularly interesting. As he worked, I just stared and pondered about the germs associated with his acne. Essentially, his face was a giant palette of infections. Don’t think I’m cruel, I grew up with acne and feel for his suffering. It is difficult to pull yourself out of bed in the morning, and know that every person who gazes at you observes a face full of imperfection. It wasn’t about his acne, it was more about the hallucinative state of germ awareness I was in. It was as if I was viewing the world through a germ phobics eyes. Next, my attention was turned towards the girl working behind the counter. She obviously has a problem with eating too many shorti’s, or has a thyroid problem. I feel bad for her whenever I stop by, and how she won’t get laid until she reaches her 20’s. Boys her age will definitely hook-up easily, but she would be pushing the limits. I imagined the sweat and slew of germs that were brewing underneath her sweaty teeshirt. In this incredible state of bewilderment, everything I saw was what I don’t usually pay attention to. I wasn’t viewing these people as humans, but rather as animals through the glass at the zoo. Suddenly he called out “Number 13″, and I snapped back into reality and headed for the door with my unlucky toasted sub.
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19 Responses to “Hallucinations, a reaction to medication or my mind?”
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My guess it’s a reaction to the medicine. I’m on Seroquel now. I’ve been on it about a month. I see things that aren’t there. I didn’t do that until I got on the Seroquel
How the mind works sometimes, to much pondering does one in, the subjective mind, chalk is up as a day of over analysis, i get that way sometimes, pondering how people can be nasty and lack any sort of moral boundaries or having to hear their disgusting conversations they seem to shout into their cell phones as if the world needed to take short hand to document their conversation, good read…… if you think about it we’re all animals just good at the art of see and do ponder that……
I would say that’s more than a reaction to Seroquel from my experience. Might want to check that one out.
I hate it when that happens! With my current meds it happens less, but, being bipolar, it happens. Everything is a little surreal..like an awake dream state.
I seem to have more experiences like yours when I’m not on meds. I’ve never taken Seroquel, so I don’t really know about that experience. When I’m not on my Lithium, I tend to feel kind of disconnected from myself. I feel like I could kind of float out of myself and look at things very closely or in unusual ways. I remember being like this when I was a little kid too. Strange Huh?
Let’s just say.. for arguements sake… let’s just say…that the REASON you naturally can stay up and be over productive.. for let’s say three days…and retreat and isolate for a few after to decompress and absorb…and during the three that you are over the top…you are consistantly down played by othewrs that you are NOT NoRMAL” that you are kooky because you beleive in no coincidnences, you beleive in your feelings of extremely deep intuition, that you feel so un understood, that you are afraid f wht you feel and cannot ignore or dismiss. Let’s say you are unique with an ability you don’t understand. And let’s just say… for a moment, for shit and giggles, that some medications you’re on to help you from feeling crazy, bring about(ironically enough) the VERY feelings you are trying to escape? That in all essence the thing you hate abut you, the thing that makes you different is a GIFT. Not a fucking condition.
It isn’t that hard is it? To think that. I mean since I just said it. Does this make sense to some of you?
Those like that do NOT choose to be that way. You are CHOSEN.
After not being monitored properly, I actually have attempted suicide when weening off Cymbalta and Seroquel. I can show you. it’s fucked up. I’m a pill taking pussy suicide. Cut myself? Never. Yet I did it…I have not taken a precsribed anything since then. Pills make me suicidal. No natural panic attack ever did. Mix some booze in it., you’re anziety hits that roof. Maybe then suicide seems to be the answer.
Well. I read your blog on sandwich or item number 13. Maybe the drug. But it sounds like a typical bipolar thing I might do. You overthink all kinds of things. I know I do and always have. It made me smile to imagine your thought process taking place…I can just imagine thoughts like that going through my head. Sounds like you are a thinker like I am. It can be a blessing or a curse, but it does make life interesting. Have you ever seen a stupid bipolar person? Not me. I think bipolar people are the creative types which give “life” to life. So sad that we are so creative that we even ponder death like reading an excerpt from Catcher and The Rye sometimes. I rather enjoyed you little story. Seroquel I hated. It was too sedating for me. I do wish you luck with your meds. Lamictal is the only one I can live with sucessfully. It pulls me out of depression fast so the suffering is shortened. Take care. You are really creative. Keep the blogs coming.
Write a book, BB
Great stuff.
I would say this is not from your meds. I take a much greater dose of Seroquel than you do (100mg), and the only effects I get that you could call hallucinatory is streaks of light. My doctor says that is common with Seoquel.
I take the same lithium you do (I assume you are 3 times a day) and what I notice head-wise from that is the feeling of a barrier that prevents me from getting emotional.
Now of course everyone’s experience with Bipolar is different, as is everyone’s reaction to meds.
I’ve been on seroquel(amoung many others) for 7 yrs, it was one of the first meds my psyc put me on, and I’ve never had a prob w/ it. But when I was put on Sonata (for sleep) I had some seriously f-ed up hallucinations. Crazy stuff like people I knew sitting beside me that weren’t really there, circus music coming from nowhere, then the sideshow acts coming from the floor, there was soo much more, but it all was because of the sleeping med, so think that it is COMPLETELY capable that the Seroquel had that affect on you. What I and seems like you were seeing aren’t really hallucinations but delirium, Some people have the same effects after they take too much Benadryl.. but I’m not a doctor or anything, just adding my experience and opinion!
Tahnee
Yea, It was probably the Seroquel…I have had hallucinations w/out medicine, but they actually had to take me OFF Seroquel because I was having hallucinations and seeing people who weren’t there. I would hear voices that weren’t there too. Funny because I thought it was supposed to do the opposite…lol..
Me again, hi. I took Seroquel for awhile and saw stuff, but I think that happens with whatever you are on for bipolar because I am now taking Depakote and Zoloft and I see shadows and spots and stuff moving out of the corners of my eyes. I scare myself sometimes which is the result of my brain on drugs…fun stuff.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees pimple-face people in restaurants. I went to McDonald’s and this pimple-face boy was making the ice cream. I won’t eat ice cream anymore. I saw a pimple-face lady at the Golden Corral.
I am also on Seroquel, but on a much much higher dose. I take 25mgs during the day, and 200mgs at night. I hear and feel things that aren’t there at night on the meds, but it is subtle things. That almost makes it worse because since the things are subtle, it’s hard to know in the end wether it was real or not. But, unfortunately, this is the only medication I have ever been on that helps me during the day. Also, I cannot sleep w/o the Seroquel. I will be up for over a week w/o it. Trazadone does not work. The Seroquel really does help me alot, but the delerium sucks.
find a practice to quiet your monkey mind and get off meds while you’re still young and have the energy left to do it.
Wow.. I could completely understand and relate to your over-active analysis of people. I do that too often. I go into thinking trances and go over board with my dissecting mind. I was like that before the medicine and I am still like that with the medicine. I think way too much into everything I gaze at. One thing that I did often as a young teen was catch a glance at a passer by while in the car and wonder what they had going on in their life, wonder if they were sad or happy, did they just get fired or just got their heart broken, do they hate themselves or are they vane…. I could put myself in their shoes and feel what I thought they were feeling. All of this would flash through my mind in the matter of seconds of our paths crossing, almost if time slowed every time I would look at another person.
Hi there! This is my first post in here. I must say that you and I have quite a bit in common! I’ve been reading your stuff and I can relate to so much of it. Never mind the fact that we both have bi polar (and probably various other crap). I am always blanking out like that. Its like I go from being there like every other normal person going through their routines. Then all of a sudden, I find myself (I wouldn’t call it hallucinating, rather…a high leveled form of contemplation). I think it is a combination of our “disorder”, medication and imagination. After all, we bi polars and those others that share a mental illness are known to be the most imaginative of humans. I myself have taken trips all the way back in time. I try to stay away from role playing video games because they seem to trigger this “out of body experience.” In any case, I am glad to know that I am not alone.
I know exactly what you are talking about. It happens to me. I am on seroquel. But I kind of like when my mind starts thinking like that, except i know that it can be overwhelming. Seroquel has been good for me but my body has become addicted to it. I cannot sleep without it at all. I want to be weened off of it but i dont think they will ween me because i am “responding so well” to my meds. I am also on trileptal. I don’t know. my hope is that i eventually wont have to be on anything. I just want to love well for the rest of my life. thats all
does sound like the Seroquel. I was only on it for a couple days and felt the same way distracted. i just could not snap out of it untill i stop taking it.